Thursday, January 21, 2010

Colonel Stoopnagle's Fictionary (Unabashed)

by Col. Stoopnagle

Wordplay is a long and venerable tradition in my family, continuing into the present generation.
My father had a book called The Pee Little Thrigs by Colonel Stoopnagle, which included the story from which the title of this Blog is taken (more of that another day). I used to delight in reading it.
The items below were written by Stoopnagle (more about him some other time). They are offered as a tribute to my late Father and late brother-in-law, Peter.

ALTARCATIONLeft at the church
AMBIDEXTROSEBeing able to buy either granulated or lump sugar
ANNIVERSORRYThe wedding date you should have remembered, but didn't
ARCTICULATIONEskimo as she should be spoke
ARRESTOCRATPolice chief with a social background
BAAZAARA sheep fair
BARETENDERHe mixes drinks in a nudist colony
BENNYFITJack [Benny], doing a show for charity
BIGLOOA deluxe Eskimo dwelling
BOTHTUBA place for bathing twins
BRAYNWhat a donkey thinks with
BREADUCATIONLearning to become a baker
BROOMATISMPain sweeping down your leg
CAN'TCHOVIESWhen you are unable to eat them
CELLOFEIGNAn imaginary transparent wrapper
CHAMPAGNEZEEA gent who makes a monkey of himself in night clubs
CHEWELRYGold teeth
CHAIRUBAn angel sitting down
CIGARETIQUETTENot dropping ashes on the floor
CLARINOTA guy who doesn't play the clarinet
CONCUBEENAn old concubine
CUCUMBERSOMEA hefty pickle
DADPOLEA papa polliwog
DAPPERITIONGhost with a top hat, white tie and tails
DIMOCRACYThe U.S.A. during a blackout
DISAPPEARAMIDMirage on the Sahara desert
DRABBITA dull brown bunny
DWHARFAn undersized pier
EGGOTISTA self-centered hen
FARMERCYA drugstore for agriculturists
FLATLASA map of the world before Columbus
FOETOGRAPHA picture of the enemy
FRANTIQUEJust crazy about old things
GHOSTOFFICEWhere the dead letters are buried
GRASSIEREA Hawaiian undergarment
GRUMLINA grim and gloomy gremlin
HEALICOPTEROne the doctor flies around in
HELLOCUTIONISTA telephone operator
HINDUITIONGandhi's instinctive insight
HOGMENTEDAn increase in the pig family
HYMNPROVEMENTBetter singing in church
IDOLEYESFrank Sinatra's
IDON'TICALTwo things that don't look alike
IMMEDIATRICIANDoctor who wants to operate right away
IMMURALA lewd picture on a wall
INFIZZABLEWhat the bubbles are when a drink's flat
JUMBEAUA lady elephant's sweetheart
KNOCKTETEight woodpeckers
KNOCKTURNALSomebody at the door at midnight
LACKOMOTIVEA train without an engine
LACKSIMILESomething that doesn't look like anything
LAUGHTERMATHWhen Fred Allen's show is over
MA'AMOTHA great big lady elephant of long ago
MAJAMASWhat mother wears at night
MANOKLEPTIACA guy who backs into department stores, puts stuff on the counter and runs like anything
MC CANICKAn Irish machine operator
MENUFACTURERGuy who prints the bills of fare
MEWSICIANKitten on the keys
MINNIE-ATUREWhat Mickey Mouse carries in the back of his watch
NAYBORThe guy next door who'll never let you borrow the lawn mower
NEARLOUGHSame as a furlough, but you don't go so fur
NETIQUETTEEmily Post on tennis
NEWSPEPPERHot off the press
OINKMENTSalve for a sick pig
O-LIMP-IANGreek runner with a Charley horse
OPERATUNITYMetropolitan audition
OWTINGPicnic under a wasps' nest
PADDLESCENTSKids in a canoe
PASS'EMISTGuy who thinks he'll never get by that line of traffic
PEDALGOGUEA Latin teacher on a bicycle
PINSTITUTEA bowling emporium
POORTRAITA picture of you that you don't like
PORCUPRONEA porcupine lying face down
POSSECATA cat who hunts mice with a gun
PRAYDIOWhat we listen to on Sunday morning
PROFISHIONALMan who catches herring for a living
PURRGATORYWhere naughty little kittens go
REFRIGERAIDERA midnight marauder
ROAMEOA vagabond lover
ROUGHEREEA football umpire who's hard on the players
SAPARATIONTaking the maple syrup from the maple
SCISSOROA Roman orator known for his shear wisdom
SIRCUMFERENCEDistance around a man's middle
SNUBURBOutlying district where the snooty bluebloods live
SOWNDNoise made by a lady pig
SPITCHERA tobacco-chewing baseball hurler
SPLITIGATIONThe proceeds of a lawsuit divided between the lawyers
SUBOURBONITEA tipsy commuter
SWIGWAMA tepee with a bar
TELLERPHONETo give a bank clerk a ring
TOYLETBathroom in a dollhouse
TROUTLAWA guy who fishes forbidden waters
WAGABONDA wandering puppy
WEERIEA tired ghost
WHIRMAIDAn up-to-date mermaid equipped with a propeller
WHOPPERWILLA great big night bird
WOBBLYGATOA decrepit old violinist
WRENOVATIONOverhauling the little birdhouse for the new spring occupant
YESTIMATETo calculate the number of affirmative votes

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